


I let the wine control my memories

by PrussiaSheiala



Series: Christmas 2018 [5]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Christmas, Drunk Seungri, Flashbacks, Getting Together, Idol Verse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 17:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17125373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrussiaSheiala/pseuds/PrussiaSheiala
Summary: Sitting alone on Christmas, Seungri soaks his mind in wine and think back to how him and his boyfriend got together





	I let the wine control my memories

**Author's Note:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!
> 
> Well atleast it is the 24the today where I am so it's Christmas here! This is my last story of this Christmas series! I hope you have all enjoy it so far!

Seungri hated Christmas.

There was no other way for him to put it without sugar coating it, he hated it. He was usually a happy person, a busy, but still, he hated Christmas. Christmas reminded him of all the things he couldn’t have, a healthy stable relationship that wasn’t forced to be hidden, a family, a possible future marriage.

No matter his playboy ways when he was younger, this was all things that Seungri wanted in the long run, of course, it was what most people wanted, and he didn’t think that it was too much to ask for.

But in reality, it was things he would never get.

He would never get a healthy stable relationship, V.I.P’s were some of the most down to earth and understanding fans, Youngbae’s wedding had proven that, with fans seeming genuinely happy for him and asking when the babies would come, but even they would have an adverse reaction if they found out that he was dating Jiyong.

Cause yeah… He was kinda doing that, it was also the reason he couldn’t have a family as gay couples in Korea weren’t allowed to marry nor to adopt. This leaving Seungri with the option of breaking up with Jiyong, something that he doubted he would be able to, or just accept that he forever would be stuck in this weird limbo.

But that was not really his current problem, he had learned to live with this, it wasn’t like he was blackmailed into this relationship, it wasn’t like it was a toxic relationship that he couldn’t leave if he wanted to. It was just that Christmas made him feel down, for the rest of the year he was happy, he loved falling asleep next to Jiyong, wrap the older rapper up in his arms and just cuddle him.

Their relationship had been rocky in the start, their friendship even rockier, but what could you expect when they started out with Jiyong really not thinking Seungri even deserved to be in the group to start with.

It was well documented, their issues early on, now they laughed it off on camera, but all 5 of them knew how much it had hurt Seungri at the time, and some of the wounds still felt fresh. Jiyong always tried to make up for it, to show Seungri that he loved him so so much.

Seungri knew that the older loved him, and he never held anything they had done in the start of their career over the rapper, they had both done stupid petty things, but in the end, they were okay.

He couldn’t stop himself from thinking back to those early days, they had first started with their tentative friendship, Jiyong had begun to warm up to Seungri being part of Big Bang, and even started to like him as a person. At that time Seungri had a midpoint between a hero crush on the rapper and found him utterly full of himself.

Don’t get him wrong, Seungri looked up to G Dragon with full stared eyes, but he still struggled with the Jiyong part of the idol, he could forgive the leader part for not thinking Seungri was good enough for Big Bang, but he couldn’t overlook the Jiyong part as much, the human element.

The thing was… he couldn't deny the fact that he found Jiyong attractive, very attractive, and his hero crush on him made Seungri really confused on the inside. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, and as the months and even the years went past, it really didn’t help as Jiyong got more helpful and nicer to him.

Seungri was in a full-on identity crisis, he still wasn’t sure he trusted Jiyong the person with his heart, but he was still crushing on him, and Jiyong was starting to make it way to easy for him to imagine what being with Jiyong would be like.

It hit it's maxed identity crisis when one day, after one too many drinks during a drama watching session, Jiyong confessed that he was gay. That he didn’t know what to do with it since he was an idol, and he was afraid that nobody would ever love him since how would he ever find a gay guy when he couldn’t even show he was gay.

Seungri at that point had come to a conclusion with his own sexuality, that he really didn’t care about the gender of the other person, he really just loved people and people were all pretty.

But this idea, this idea that Jiyong could be somebody who could return his crush… really fucked with Seungri’s head, he wasn’t even sure that Jiyong would ever see him as somebody other than a younger brother, but it damn well didn’t matter for Seungri and his hormones.

Back in real time, staring at his lit up Christmas tree, Seungri couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he emptied another glass of wine, even his thought was a mess and so did his memories seem to be. Memories swirved back and forward, none of the hitting him in chronological order.

He could remember the first time that he decided that he needed to just… sleep with anybody to get Jiyong out of his mind, he was at that point still in denial that he wasn’t just crushing on G Dragon, but on actual Jiyong.

Did sleeping with another person really do anything to help Seungri deal with reality and his growing emotions? God no, so logical answer? Become one of the most well-known playboys in the kpop industry and sleep your way through the Japanese modelling scene of course!

To say that his group mates weren’t happy with him was an understatement, Seungri wasn’t even sure why he did it, he was in such a deep denial, that he actually made himself believe that he enjoyed it, that it was working that it was totally overshadowing his crush that was growing into love for Jiyong.

Looking back at it, older Seungri would like to smack younger Seungri, and not just for being a slight playboy edging on the turf of being a slut, but also for not realising what was going on around him. Not noticing how Jiyong was cutting short his own work to go to Japan and check on Seungri, how the older would see next to his bed waiting for him to sleep out whatever drunken stupor he was in.

Another memory hit him, it was him crying on the shoulder of Daesung as both of the younger Big Bang members were alone in Japan, as their company liked to just ship them off to there when they weren’t needed in Korea. Seungri had been out drinking and had almost hooked up with a guy that looked like Jiyong, until he had been unable to look at the male without seeing Jiyong, so he had run to Daesung and ended up crying on the other singer's shoulder.

Between ugly sobs and throwing up from the alcohol he had decided to drown his inner organs in, he admitted his feelings for Jiyong, and when Daesung hesitantly asked if he was gonna tell their dear leader about it.

Leaving to another series of tears and ugly sobbing as Seungri spewed out how he wasn’t sure if he could trust Jiyong with his heart since Jiyong had hurt him when they first became Big Bang by not treating him with the respect he deserved. At that point, he had been way too drunk to realise that Daesung was staring at him in disbelief like he didn’t actually understand that Seungri was still holding onto this.

Daesung had ended up putting Seungri to bed that night, and when Seungri woke up the next morning it had been 15 hours passed, and Jiyong was sitting by his side on a chair working.

Seungri could remember being so confused, what was Jiyong even doing here, he had wanted to ask, but instead, the alcohol once again made itself known as it forced Seungri to run to the bathroom as it exited the wrong way out.

He threw in front of the first porcelain throne, throwing up more stomach acid than anything else, wheezing trying to catch his breath. Seungri hated when he got himself this drunk, it was great at the moment, forgetting everything and feeling empty, but happy inside. It was less great the day after, stomach acid hurt so much coming up, and his entire world was spinning only being grounded be the pale, delicate hand in his hair that was stroking it.

Seungri wasn’t even sure how long they had been sitting on the cold floor on Daesung hotel room before he finally felt like breathing was something that he was once again able to do.

It had turned out that Daesung had ratted Seungri out to Jiyong, well he had told him just how pissed out of his mind Seungri was from the alcohol, and Jiyong had done the Jiyong thing… taken the first flight to Japan to make sure personally that their maknae was okay.

Looking back at it, Seungri smiled into his glass of wine as he emptied it, had he not been so foggy minded and so centred on trying to figure out his own brain mess it would have been clear that Jiyong has feelings for him already then. Yeah, Jiyong took his job as the leader very seriously, but Seungri should have known that he wouldn’t just leave Korea for no reason like this for somebody other than Seungri himself.

Seungri poured himself another glass of wine, swirling the red liquid around the glass like Seunghyun would do, it reminded him of how he used to be so jaloux of Seunghyun, he couldn’t go on their videos without seeing fans talk about GTOP, he couldn’t go on social media without seeing about GTOP, it was driving him insane.

Seunghyun and Jiyong might be close, but they were the picture book version of ‘No homo’, why did nobody ship him with Jiyong? He and Jiyong would have been a perfect couple! Not that Seungri wanted to be a couple with him, he had already decided that.

At that point in his life, Seungri wasn’t even sure if he believed in the idea that the reason he didn’t dare to be in a relationship with Jiyong was because their past, but he kept using it as an excuse. It was much more comfortable than the reality that he had commitment issues, and he struggled to trust people with his heart.

For a while he hadn’t treated Seunghyun very well, not like the hyung he respected and loved, now that he was older he was aware that he had been such a brat and the fact that Seunghyun didn’t slap him over the head and into the next new moon was surprising, cause he deserved it.

In real time, Seungri laughed a little at the thought of all the petty things he had done to Seunghyun, he would make sure to seduce any woman that Seunghyun looked twice at, in this idea that he could get anybody than Seunghyun could get. He would do other silly things, always making sure that Seunghyun was aware that Seungri was a much better singer and dancer than him, even going as far as to make fun of Seunghyun’s dancing, something he would instantly regret and feel sorry about when he saw the older rappers expression at it.

Looking back at it, it was kinda impressive that he and Seunghyun had a close friendship now a day, Seungri had been so out of control at that point.

Then the most crucial memory hit Seungri, it had been that one time where he had been caught sleeping with a model. It was pretty well known that he was into some freaky shit, he always made sure it was, and he would never touch somebody who didn’t let him.

YG the company had made time told him that he needed to make sure that girls or guys he slept with signed non-disclosure agreements, Big Bang had really started to hit it big and they couldn’t have Seungri ruin their success by having stuff leaked.

But Seungri was stupid.

That night it had been a Japanese model, he thought for sure that she had just as much to lose as him, and he wouldn’t need an NDA. They got up to some freaky stuff, that included some CONSENTUAL choking, and when he woke up the next day she was gone, and Seungri really didn’t overthink about it, he never thought that he would see her again or anything like that.

Oh, reality hit him hard the next day when ‘Friday’ a tabloid in Japan posted an article that included a picture of him sleeping with a tell-all story from the model about everything they had done. How he hadn’t kissed her, or how he had cum on her stomach, which if you asked Seungri was nicer, cumming inside somebody and kissing was for him more commitment than either of them wanted.

He remembered sitting for an almost unhealthy amount of time and just staring at the article, thoughts running through his mind, was he about to be kicked out of Big Bang? God, he didn’t want to be kicked out.

He ignored the phone ringing, he didn’t want to listen to Jiyong and YG yell at him, being the perpetulent brat he was, he threw the tabloid Ion the ground in anger and decided it was time to go back to bed. It really hadn’t been worth the effort of waking up, maybe if he just went to sleep all this horror would be gone, and it would turn out to be false, just a bad dream.

One sleeping pill, and no knowledge of how many hours later, somebody was actively trying to break down Seungri’s door, he had at the time actually gotten himself an apartment in the country, since their company seemed happy to banish him to Japan continually, he wanted a real place to live that wasn’t a damn hotel room.

“Lee Seunghyun OPEN THE DOOR NOW!” the voice belonged to their dearest leader, Jiyong, he was calling Seungri by his birth name, he was in a lot of shit.

He very much thought about just ignoring the older, pretending his wasn’t home, he really wasn’t up for hearing his leader and kinda crush berate him for his life choices and bedside manners.

He hides under his duvet, trying to stuff his ears and ignore Jiyong going insane on his door “I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE, YOUR MANAGER HAS A KEY YOU KNOW AND YOU DON’T WANT ME TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH HIM NOW DO YOU?” good point… Seungri really didn’t want that.

He wiggled his way out of his blanket and duvet hill and trotted his way to the door with heavy feet, mumbling in an annoyed tone “I am coming, damn remove the stick from your ass,” or better let me do it for you, was left unsaid.

When he finally disconnected his alarm system, remove the deadbolt and the standard lock, he was greeted by an… all around terrible looking Jiyong, travel bag over his shoulder, shoving that the older came directly from the airport “Finally!”

He pushed Seungri to the side, and closed the door behind “now what did you think I was doing?”

“Shagging a bird?”

Jiyong stared at him, eyebrows hidden by the beanie, but without a doubt arched in a judging way “yeah the world could kinda see that.” he threw his bad on the ground, seeming to have decided that if Seungri was gonna act like a child, then he damn well was going to ass well, “what were you thinking?! No don’t answer that, it’s clear that you weren’t actually thinking on anybody other than yourself!”

“This isn’t gonna hurt you anyway!” Seungri was angry at that point, he felt stressed thinking he was about to lose his job, and then Jiyong was here to act like this was gonna hurt him as well “I am the one who is gonna get fired! This is me it’s gonna hit, we both damn well know that you and Big Bang aren’t gonna be hit, if your drug shit and Dae’s accident aren’t gonna hurt us! You damn well know that this ain't gonna! It’s not like I am not known as a whore already! Worst case scenario you have finally found your excuse to throw me out like I know you want to!”

The older Seungri knew that Jiyong hadn’t meant it like that, but younger Seungri was full on in victim mode, angry and wheezing, which stressed the already stressed Jiyong even more, made him say things he didn’t mean, things he had intended to keep for himself “you are not getting thrown out of the band! You know that we… I would never do that! You know that I damn well love you, even if you damn well do everything you can to throw my feelings back in my face, I still love you! It fucking hurts when you do this shit, to know that you are running away from me, that you won’t even look at me twice, but you are willing to fuck any girl or guy that looks at you twice! Does my love really mean that little to you?”

Present time Seungri was sitting with a stupid grin on his face, looking at the three, wine glass long since emptied again and now sitting next to the empty bottle on the table. That moment had been it, that had been the moment that finally made them both sit down and actually talk about their feelings.

Seungri had finally expressed his fear of the older treating him like he had those many years ago, and Jiyong uttered how much he hated seeing not just Seungri sleeping with everything with a pulse, but more importantly hated seeing how he let everybody treat him in return.

They had been together ever since that moment, they had ups and downs, but they somehow worked everything out, which made it kinda strange for Seungri to be alone on Christmas Eve didn’t it? Where was his beloved boyfriend?

Short answer: Mandatory military service.

Seungri knew that was an honour to save his country, but it still felt like shit the fact that while Jiyong was half done with his service at that time, Seungri himself would leave soon and that way there would be another 2 years until they would finally be free.

He had hoped that Jiyong would have had time off to come to see him, but he also knew it was expecting too much with Jiyong’s position in the army.

Hence why he was drinking himself into the stupor, a picture of Jiyong pulled up in his phone, life was hard if you were Seungri, god he hated Christmas.

Jiyong made it bearable, but god he hated it.

He almost wanted to throw his phone across the room in childish anger as it annoyed him to see Jiyong’s silly face on it, but as the second he picked it up a call went through and Seungri had never picked something up as fast, to be greeted with a sweet “Hey baby.”

“Ji…”

“Open the door, it’s cold outside my love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Socials:
> 
> [My kpop YouTube channel](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCv_HrTXOP68zP0ZtXASF1zw?view_as=subscriber)  
> [Twitter where I shitpost](https://twitter.com/PrussiaSheiala)  
> [Curious cat! Feel free to ask me anything](https://curiouscat.me/LadyPrussia)


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